Not All Pictures are Worth 1000 Words

Tinder is made to mimic real life interactions: you see someone in the bar or coffee shop then decide pretty quickly if you want to talk to them or not. Sometimes, if we’re having a bad day or being grumpy, we would scare off potential people to talk to1. When you do talk to someone new, sometimes it’s just like, “Hi! I like you! You’re my friend! You’re mine now!2” for no real good reason.

Tinder gives you the ability to “meet” a ridiculous number of people without the risk of being knowingly rejected. The first thing that Tinder shows you is someone’s curated photo. Tinder gives you that edge to choose how to present yourself to the world every single second of every single day. Regardless if you’ve got the flu and feel like death, your Tinder photos won’t change to reflect how you look at that moment. You’ll never scare someone away on Tinder by your photo, unless you choose so.

Now, that last part is important. I’ve come across many a scary Tinder profile, and every time it makes me question his sanity3. When you have the control of how you present yourself, wouldn’t you want to present the best self possible? My own profile is carefully curated to show me as a social someone with a good sense of humor, a sense of adventure, and an enjoyment of beer4. The point of these photos is to incite interest in someone and make them think, “Would I want to mix my genes with yours?”

When I come across a picture, you need to first pass the “Could you be an axe murderer?5 test. Based on just the first picture, these would fail.
axe1     axe2     axe3

You three gentleman failed to pass test one: will I survive this encounter? You don’t want to send the opposite sex screaming in fear.

The next round of culling is, “Can I tell who you are??” Unless you’re in a famous (British) boy band that shall not be named, there is no reason that your profile pictures should feature you and all your best friends. I’m not looking to have an orgy here!!
boyband1     boyband2     boyband3

Third round of culling is reserved for “What the heck are you doing?” group:

bad1      bad2      bad3

  1. Flicking people off generally isn’t the nicest thing to do.
  2. What is going on???
  3. Please don’t look so pained when you are attempting to take a shirtless/almost naked photo in the mirror.

There is not enough room on this post for me to get into the preponderance of poorly taken pictures:

huh1 huh2 huh3 huh4

The only reason why you should ever include a photo taken from a bathroom mirror (hopefully after you washed your hands!) is if you have some sort of glory hole fetish. If you can’t even be bothered to put up a semi-decent photo of yourself, I do not want to mix genes with you.

So then, what works6?

Ones where I can see your face, and you look happy/goofy/pleasant:

first      second      third

None of these guys scream “I am an axe murderer!” Though if they do turn out to be some sort of serial killers, they’d be the ones I respect. By that, I mean they will be the ones who will take a while to get caught.7

Or look like a fun person to be around!

good1      good2      good3

I know that I have a greater chance of having a fun time with any of these guys above! Funky mustache, a great laugh (with wine), and a guy in uniform with a sense of humor, what can go wrong? I’d want to approach one of them in person to find out more about them!

Tinder gives you a platform to put your best foot forward. Please use it to your advantage!! It’ll save me the trouble of wading through truly atrocious profiles.

1. Now that’s a thought. You’ve missed out on a possible true love because you looked too grumpy.
2. I know I’m a bit socially awkward. Maybe more socially fluent people can chime in if it works that way for you guys too…
3. I naturally swiped left.
4. My profile pictures are as follows: with a friend, “pooping” a jet of water from a statue, winking at the camera with a chalice of beer, and handstanding on a beautiful exotic beach.
5. I seem to be fixated on being axe murdered. Exhibit A
6. Note: I did not swipe right on every single one of these. These were all, however, profiles that I enjoyed flicking through.
7. I believe that every criminal who commit crimes should at least do it well. I mean, if you’re going to break the law already, at least do it properly and not get caught right away!

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